HATE?!

Truthfully. Somehow these couple of days, i am feeling resentful, frustrated & angry at myself. A lot more than usual. i felt there's a lot of things that i wanted to feel angry about. Fortunately i'm not the type of person that's like to show/express these emotions upfront.

i usually hold it in, like putting something in a box and bury it into the ground. It's just that these negative emotions intensified since yesterday. If by any chance you've been following my blog, you'd probably could guess what's the cause of it.

Its my thoughts of her. i don't think i could free myself from thinking about her. Obsessed? Perhaps. Though it's only in thoughts and not in action. i just kept thinking about losing her. In which made me scared & frustrated.

i couldn't help it. And i hate this.

Perhaps the only solution that i can think of is by totally not making any connection/contact/interaction with her anymore. Perhaps only by then i could forget about it all together. Yeah. i know. Its SO FUCKING STUPID. i'm SO STUPID.

Last night was the start of all this.

i dreamt of her. i dreamt that she finally made her decision. A conclusive one, where she chose HIM instead of me. Although i can't remember the rest of it, but that particular scene/part where she told me frankly that she decided she wanted to be with HIM, was so vivid. When i woke up, i found myself feeling so frustrated & depressed.

So today, i woke up not feeling all that good.

i wanted to be angry at everything.
i wanted to hate everything.

But i just bury it and put my mask on. My happy mask. A mask that i HATE so much.





i know. i'm just repeating all of this stuff again.