Oh! My Unrequited Love.. Part 1 : How It Begins, What Does It Feels Like, Can One Cope & Overcome It?

This is a topic that i holds very dear to my heart. In fact, this topic has been a blessing, a curse, a burden, a torture, and a never ending steep learning curve in life's experience for me. i really really really hated this topic yet it still happens to me and spit right back my face.

i am speaking from my already broken and shattered pieces of my heart. From my experiences.. yup that's what i said, experiences. i have had three succession feelings of unrequited love, two of which i bravely open up my feelings. Unfortunately none end or rather started a real relationship.

How it begins.
i am confortable in being friends with girls. i don't actually have the kind of feelings like awkwardness with girls. In fact through out the years i have some girls who i don't consider as a potential girlfriends as best of friends. They are the ones that i can easily talk to, joke around and have fun with.

However in the last two years, i have made three mistakes. Yup, i have mentioned it before, i fell in love with my bestfriend. What an unfortunate and stupid situation now isn't it?

i can't actually pinpoint how and why this happened, but i can say this. At one moment i was easily cracking dirty jokes with her then suddenly i woke up one damn morning and sees her differently. i guess it's the sign of being single for too long and of course desperate.

What does it feels like.
Like goddamn crap of course. i can't say it out because that would make me looked stupid and again desperate. It hurts soo bad, because i really really really want to tell her. Every time i looked at her i felt different, because i want this friendship that we're having, to be more than just that. i wanted to go to the next level. i won't tell her in fear of rejection. As days gone by, that feeling would hurt even deeper.

Fear of rejection is one thing, the other thing that would hurt me as bad or more is jealousy. i would fear that she would found someone and be with him rather than me. Yet i can't just simply prevent her not to be with someone else because i'm not in a relationship with her. How complicated is that?

i would be jealous and try not to show it when she mentioned some other guy she's seeing. God only knows how much that really hurt. i could lamely put that feeling as the same as being stabbed in the heart, not that i have been stabbed through the heart. It just felt like it. My heart skipped a beat, felt like being sliced with a knife, sudden lost for response and the most dread feeling of frustration, sadness and depression.

At the same time, i just simply wanted to die so that i could no longer feel the pain.

Can one cope & overcome it.
For me.. No. Though i do pray so hard for this feeling to just go away. i really really do.

What conclusion? i have yet to find any solution with this situation..haha.. If i ever found the answer, i would surely let you know.

Oh dear love, why have you forsaken me?