Delusions of A Hopeless Coward

For somehow since this afternoon, i began to question myself about my motivation about everything. Such as:

1. Future
2. Study
3. Work
4. Health
5. Blogging
6. Love
7. Passions
8. Ambitions
9. Commitment
10. Confidence

and whole lot of other things. If by any chance someone out there, by that you, if your even reading this, have read my previous posts, you might have somewhat idea of what kind of person i am: boring, lack of self confidence and suffers from inferiority complex.

Even though you might not think that way but unfortunately i myself have that kind of reflection upon myself. In which meant that i question myself about why i think of myself that way..oh man, what the fuck am i talking about?

1. Future - i just don't know what am i going to do with my life, i don't have any plans for the future. i don't know why i keep on doing the same thing over and over again. i don't seems to want to improve myself or even change for the better..

2. Study - i am currently doing distance learning through Open University Malaysia, since January of 2005. Initially i applied for it because i couldn't and have no resources aka Money to go to either local universities and private colleges. Then i thought that somehow if i graduated perhaps i could land a job with better pay. Unfortunately and DAMN, i just lost that sparks, that hunger for study... i'm taking this for granted, and i'm disappointed with myself for that..

3. Work - It's not like i really hate my job, perhaps i'm just jealous of those who are better paid or those who like their job. i can't seems to find any reason to love it.. i know, i know.. at least you got one, you might say but.. damn.. i slowly began to "dislike" it..

4. Health - i don't feel good right now, nothing of major concern, but still, i'm not maintaining any good and healthy lifestyles. i'm very picky, i don't/seldom work out, i sleep late, i sat in front of the computer much of my time minus sleep, eat and work and lots more.. Perhaps this blog won't be around that long..

5. Blogging - Why do i blog anyway?

6. Love - Will i ever find it? Taste it? Feel it? Experience it? Much of the time, i suffers from it. HATEd iT.. ReGreTs i EVer FelT it.. AaaRRggHHH!! ;P

7. Passions - Have i lost it? i used to love to write..short stories, poetries.. anything.. where have it gone? i used to be really inspire when i'm sad, frustrated or angry, happy or anything.. Now i'm just blank..

8. Ambitions - i just don't have it anymore. If i'm starting to question my motivation towards my own future, my work, my in the HELL would i be having any ambitions? i just don't know what i want anymore..

9. Commitment - The first word that if i heard it i would probably puke. i can't see why i need it?

10. Confidence - This is the very core of my imperfection, the very thing that i am lack of, the very thing that i needed the most right now.. confidence in myself, confidence in the actions of my taking, confidence in saying out my thoughts, confidence in everything that i do, confidence is what i really need right now though unfortunately i can't seems to find any..

Its near the end of the year of 2007 right now, and i am not getting any younger.. if others are slowly getting wiser, i in the other hand, still think like a high school kid.. Everyone else that i know of, the same age as mine, are getting somewhere, going somewhere, improving themselves, getting better, independent, self managed, sucessful.. DaMN..

It seems that i might be suffering from a really really bad inferiority complex. i should wake up, i should..let my fears go..