Hopeless and Heartbroken.

When i realised that i again failed in my search for love, i began to fall deeper into self destructive thoughts. Thoughts of what i have done wrong, thoughts of my weakness and bad qualities, thoughts of failure and doing it again, thoughts of taking my own worthless life, thoughts of just giving up, thoughts of taking all the blame in what ever it was that wrong in life for myself, and lots more of negative thinking that if i were to write it all it'll be repeated all over in different contex.

It's been two weeks now, and still i'm feeling the blues. Today my colleagues repeatedly asking me why am i being so quiet, and not the usual me, and i can only answered them with a smile and hopeless silence. How can i answer such questions when i myself couldn't figure out the answer.

Since yesterday i began to feel empty, drained out of energy, hopeless and heartbroken. This is the second time i'm feeling this way in two years, meaning i've been frustrated twice already and in quick succession. Though i don't think i'll recover from this one so easily. i thought this was it, i thought i'm getting the right signal, i thought that i should take this opportunity, then unfortunately what i thoughts was hopeless.

It is not love when it's just one way traffic, it's just unrequited love. A pointless affection, love that is not return. Love should make me feels good, happy and contend not miserable, hopeless and rejected.

Even after the confession and the revealation i couldn't put myself feelings to ease. Although i didn't get an actual rejection, that unconclusive silence was just enough for me to assume endless jealousy thoughts. It was from this lack of knowledge of her real situation and my jealous assumption gone wild that brought me here now, into depression and heartbroken.

Will this ever end? i honestly don't know...missing her and thinking of her a lot is not helping either...